I have, for months, had a lack of zest for life. I've been calling it a low-grade depression; I know severe depression, and this ain't it, though I'm sure they are cousins. So I was thinking I was fine, you know, sort of okay. But I don't want to be just sort of okay. I want vitality. I want to thrive and I want to enjoy life. I want energy! I want to get up in the morning as the blue bird of happiness, not just a blue bird.
While I do laugh at cynical smart-alecky humour and enjoy a good bout of melancholy, I am actually a hopeful and positive person. In the past year, however, I was angry for many months in a row followed by several months of meh. I find I'm battling the parts of my personality that rear their ugly head when I'm out of balance; negativity, doubt, laziness, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, staggering self-criticism, and unproductive perfectionism. This is not me on my best of days.
Also, I've just had no get-up-and-go. I'm asking not "what," but "where is my motivation?" I can't concentrate much, my brain feels foggy and I've been pretty forgetful. Clearly I must do something.
I've had a few false starts with trying to get back on track, but I've decided to try again. This time I'm starting with changing my diet and seeing if that has any positive effects. This involves cutting out alcohol, caffeine, sugar and yeasted breads (the list actually goes on a bit from there) for now. All are much more difficult to give up than I imagined, and I'm only on day 3 of the new regime. Sadly, no merlot, or sauvignon, or stout, or manhattans, or gimlets for me.
The next step towards health is getting out there and socializing, which is something I've been neglectful of because A) I didn't feel I had much to contribute to social situations (see above re negative personality traits) and B) I'm on a limited budget. This is clearly a cycle of doom which I must put the breaks on.
Oh, and did I mention I'm doing a colon cleanse? Fun times. TMI?